Confessions

I was NOT a happy momma when I found out I was pregnant with Lucas.
Some friends of ours were in their last stage of pregnancy when the mom to be gave me her baby name book.  I took it, not thinking I'd be needing it anytime soon.  When there son was born I got a BAD case of baby fever.  "Oh, babe, Matt is getting so big!  And Camren (our friends' son) is so cuuuuuute!" I cooed to Eric almost every day.  About two weeks after Camren was born I found out I was pregnant.  And my case of baby fever was instantly cured.  Not in a good way, like Oh, yay, I'm pregnant!  Cured as in I'm sorry!  I was only JOKING!  I didn't MEAN IT!

I don't want to gross you out with TMI about implantation bleeding, so let's just say that I had a sneaking suspicion that I successfully ignored until I was late.  The pregnancy was harder than my first.  I'm not old, but I was older.  I passed out on the couch everyday in those early weeks to wake up frantically calling for Matt, who was always playing like an angel in his room or watching a movie or napping on the other couch.

I had trouble sleeping.  My hips couldn't stand the pressure of lying on my side so I spent my nights in my last trimester waking up every two hours to slowly roll over.  Pshh, I actually got more sleep AFTER Lucas was born because he only woke up every three hours during the night.  I couldn't sit down, or stand up, or bend over.  I bought myself new shoes so I wouldn't have any laces to tie.  I ripped 3 pairs of jeans trying to fight the laws of volume and mass.  I couldn't pick up my FIRST baby, my buddy, my Matty Matt!

I HATED being pregnant again, and I was NOT convinced it was going to be worth it.  I wasn't excited at all.  It was PD.  Partum depression.  There were a few highlights.  I was lucky enough to have 3 ultrasounds.  Well, not lucky, because the reason for them was to watch a cyst on my ovary that needed to be removed and was giving me a lot of pain, but I got to see Lucas' face with the 3D ultrasound.  And he looked SO MUCH like his brother, even in-utero.  There were more low points than highlights though.  Even regarding the ultrasounds.  My eyes filled with tears when the tech pointed out his little boy parts.  I was hoping for a girl.  And my first reaction was a deep disappointment.  Now, my very next thought was along the lines of Matt would LOVE a little brother to chase him around! but still.  That first thought brought tears to my eyes, and the tech definitely noticed.

It took forever to name him.  We had both been focusing on little girl names.  We never came close to agreeing, but we hadn't even bothered talking about boy names those first 20 weeks.  I was 30 weeks pregnant when we finally settled on Lucas Adam.  And as much as I hate to admit it, I don't think either of us really like the name Lucas very much.  Still.  I sometimes wonder how people would react if I announced that we would start calling him Adam instead.

And my C section.  Ugh!  I was planning on a VBAC, but with the discovery of the cyst my OB and I decided it would be best to have a repeat C section so they could go in there and get that bad boy out (it ended up being 10cm big!  Glad to have it gone!).  Ok, fine, I could deal with a scheduled C section.  What pissed me off was that it didn't get scheduled until 6 days prior!  And my husband was store manager of a GNC that was WAAAY out of the way of all the other stores in his district.  And his part timers were useless.  And his superiors were useless.  And they said that if the store didn't open he would lose his job.  So... he took me to the hospital on the morning of, and had to leave for work, over an hour away.  And my mother in law was taking care of Matt, and my mom... would have LOVED to be there, but sometimes theses things are impossible when you live a thousand miles away from each other.  So, yes, I was alone, except for the anesthesiologist, who was awesome (and kind of cute).

I spent my entire pregnancy up to that point worrying about how much harder it would be to have twice as many kids.  I know two kids aren't a lot, but two IS twice as many as one.  I worried about having to take care of a newborn baby and missing out on spending time with Matt.  I worried that he would feel as if I had abandoned him.  I worried that I might not love Luke enough.  I worried that I might not love Matt as much anymore.  I worried that Matt would be horrible around the baby.  I worried that Luke's birthday would take away from Matt's birthday (Matt's bday is April 2nd, Luke was due April 1st.  Because of the C section, their bdays are 8 days apart.).  I worried that I would spend another 3 months of my life crying all night because the baby wouldn't sleep (like I did with Matt.).  I was worried about my relationship with Eric falling apart.  We had barely made it those first few months after Matt was born, and I KNEW that this time would be worse.  My whole life was about to shatter and fall to pieces at my feet. 

As they were wheeling me into the OR, I got STUPID excited.  All of a sudden I had a HUGE grin on my face.  The anesthesiologist actually asked if I was ok because of the stupid face I was making.  Whew, I had been waiting for those feelings for 9 months, and they finally arrived.  Better late than never, right?  When they laid him in my arms, I finally fell in love again. Just like that.

Everything I feared disintegrated.  Matt ADORED that tiny little baby.  Eric was ridiculously helpful and involved.  Lucas slept like a champ.  We settled into such a quick routine that we were confident and comfortable enough to have Matt's 4th birthday party and a meet & greet for Lucas the weekend after we got home from the hospital.

I love my boys.  Both of them.  To the moon and back.  It's quite a phenomenon, really.  I am fairly certain I don't want any more kids.  Eric is fairly certain he wants one more.  We have some time to decide yet.  Either way, I'm MORE that certain that if we did end up having another child, I am well equipped to handle it.